Say Something

Honesty. Openness. Authenticity. Quite a list of loaded words, right? If we call a person fake, two-faced, or phony, we're not paying them a compliment. And yet, when I'm asked by a friend or colleague "How are you?", and answer beyond "fine" or it's many permutations will likely be deemed as oversharing. TMI. So what's a girl to do?

These days, the internet brings even more confusion to the issue. As Stephen Marche wrote is his great article in the Atlantic, "it’s a lonely business, wandering the labyrinths of our friends’ and pseudo-friends’ projected identities, trying to figure out what part of ourselves we ought to project, who will listen, and what they will hear." I love that concept of "projected identity," because things like Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, all the ways we create identity online, give us more ability to curate our image than ever before.

Just think about it. If you're a control freak like me, you can obsessively manage the things you post and that are posted to your Facebook timeline. Don't like a picture? Delete it or untag yourself. Did something embarassing? Don't write about it. Achieved something impressive? Brag about it. It's putting on a smile and cleaning the house before company comes over, but writ large. It's even telling the embarassing story, but only ever in a way that, in the end, just makes you look better. How cute and clumsy! How relatable!

I must admit, I do the same thing in so-called "real life"; as it turns out, I can't get away with only talking to people over the internet. Crazy, right? It might not be something to be proud of, but I have an uncanny ability to put on a smile and charm and tell a funny story no matter what's going on in my mind or my heart. I call it my customer-service face, because I really honed this power during my many service-industry jobs.

So this brings me back to honesty and openness, especially in regards to mental and emotional health. While of course it's not always the time or the place to unpack your emotional carryon, I think too many people decide it's  never the time, especially in a public forum like Facebook. Well, I don't agree. I grew up in an environment that was all about keeping up appearances. No matter what goes on in your home, in your mind, make sure none of it shows! God forbid anyone see your house with a speck of dust in it.

It's time to change. As a friend recently wrote, "I think that by opening dialogues, we help others feel less alone." Depression, anxiety--all of these things isolate you. It often feels like you're the only one who has ever experienced what you're going through. You look at that perfect coworker, your stalk successful friends on Facebook and only see what they choose to show.

So, I guess it's my turn. That's what this blog is about. I...well, I admit, this is really difficult for me. I've been sitting here in front of my computer for about 30 minutes trying to write a few simple words. As someone who is more comfortable writing than speaking, it's odd when I come across something that won't even come out on the page. I've been honest about the subject in personal conversations, but if I'm not to be a hypocrite, I guess I have to write it here.

Since high school, I've suffered from varying levels of depression and anxiety. The anxiety may even go back as far as childhood. There. It looks so simple once you write it out, right? I've developed so many strategies to hide it from the world, but not only is that counter-productive for my own recovery, it only leads to other people suffering from similar problems feeling more isolated.

That's what this blog is for: an attempt at openness, an open dialogue, and an admission, to myself and to the world, that yes, I am a human dumpster fire, but that's okay. At least the fire is smaller than it used to be.